Do Vegans Have Less Friends?
“I don’t like vegans, either. Bunch of whiny zealots. A cow or a pig wouldn’t give a damn if a person died… animals tear apart other animals while they’re still alive, but we aren’t so cruel, so vegans should learn to shut up. Vegans use palm oil and never think about the forests and endangered species at risk from that… and they all exploit the world in other ways, buying their computers and their sweatshop clothes and their Starbucks coffees.” Rebecca McNutt.
I returned from my last trip with a stomach bacteria. I did not get the bacteria there but have probably had it for a while. The cure is an antibiotic that will kill everything good and bad in your body and a weird strict diet that will not feed the bacteria for at least six months. The bacteria caused several food allergies as well. The easiest way for me to eat these days is to be a Megan.- a meat-eating vegan. (albeit not in the same restaurant)
It turns out that the people who live a plant-based life style understand weird diets. I notice that many people eat alone in vegan restaurants. I am not talking about the hipster or Hollywood vegans that eat at the trendy vegan restaurants or have their vegan chefs prepare something. I’m talking about small local restaurants.
Most social gatherings revolve around food and the isolation of having a strict diet when your friends do not, can make it easier to eat alone. Dietary restrictions are annoying in social situations. I hate the constant deliberating and discussion that i have to do with waiters in restaurants. I’m not normally that person.
All vegans are not just focused on not eating dead animals. Some of them probably have eating issues or do it for health reasons. I sit alone in the restaurant and watch the other diners. I play my airport game of trying to figure out who everyone is. Classic vegans.
I look at a man focused on his non dairy fettuccine alfredo and think that he is definitely a Bikram yoga instructor slash dog walker. The two woman who gush over their buffalo tofu sliders are life coach feminists with instagram accounts dedicated to their different acai bowls. The woman sitting over there in the corner is probably a two years sober tarot card reader who runs 12 step meetings. The anorexic reiki healer cutting her food in many small pieces is pushing it around her plate while she talks to her friend, the mantra chanting, meditation specialist. The man next to her heads the community vegetable garden and makes his own candles.
Clearly these people have no idea how much I am missing cheese, coffee, sushi, fish, bread and good dessert. I make fun of vegans because I will never be cool enough to give up the occasional hot dog, hamburger and dairy products. I will never stretch regularly or be a healthy vessel of joy and peace. I make fun of them because I am not disciplined or good enough to be one of them.
Then, I look at myself in my flannel shirt and baggy jeans. I am drinking the now trendy celery juice (yes i know you are supposed to drink it when you wake you up to cleanse your system but i just can’t)) and eating kale, brown rice and tempeh. I see a man looking at me. He is thinking that I just biked over here from a winter solstice ceremony and have a formally abused dog named Chakra. I am probably on my way to my alternative medicine doctor for acupuncture.
As always, funny and clever
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This is hysterical Jayne! Forwarded to my daughters!!! Ellen
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Omg I’m right there with you. Hilariously well done!
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