How To Annoy People In Los Angeles, California

How to Annoy People In Los Angeles, California

“Los Angeles is a large city-like area surrounding the Beverly Hills Hotel.” Fran Leibowitz 

Leave your turn signal on for ten miles. Drive very slowly in the fast lane.

Talk about how much better New York is and how more real New Yorkers are. Fill in any other state or country here.

Say that the acting business is all about luck.

Ask us about celebrity dieting, gossip, their fitness DVDs or their clothing lines. Most of us don’t care about them on the way up or the way down.

Tell us again that people don’t walk here. We haven’t heard it before.  Add that our public transportation sucks,. We know that is why a lot of us don’t use it.

Which would be another complaint. The traffic is really bad for us also.
Yes we have traffic for no apparent reason at 2:00 in the afternoon.

Complain about the air pollution. We know  because we don’t have good public transportation.

Ask us if we know someone more important who can read your script.

Take up the whole lane with your bike and don’t pay attention to traffic signs.   (that means you Mandeville Canyon riders)

Name drop celebrities or ask us who we know.

Bring up juice fasts, vegan restaurants,  or talk about how  much better your Mexican food is. (unless you are actually from Mexico). My kids who were born and raised in Los Angeles are serious carnivores.

Bring up new age anything, psychic pet healers, yoga, Pilates.  bar method, Scientology , Kabbalah, acupuncture, Tai Chi or ask about mercury in retrograde.   Everyone does not  like to talk about it.

Ask us if we drive to the gym. We do. Sometimes we go to lunch and pick up our kids in our workout clothes. I drive to walk my dog.

Tell us that you think that you look fat when you are thinner and more fit than we are.

Ask if the construction on the 405 affects us. It affects me every day and night.

Tell us there is no culture here.  There is plenty but some of it you have to look for.

Insult our artists. Some of them matter. Some of them you have heard of. All of them are cooler than you.

Leave the movie theatre as soon as the film ends. We like to read the credits and see who we know on the film and we don’t like you walking in front of us when we do.

Talk really loudly on your cell phone in a public place about all the movie business related things you are doing. We know it isn’t true.

Say you haven’t had any work done.  We know that isn’t true also.  We are from LA and we are professionals at being able to see that.

Ask questions about surfing, skating or being blonde.  We all can’t answer those.

Make comments about our weather.  We live here because we like it.

Ask us why we wear jeans in nice restaurants. Because we can.  We also wear boots, scarves, shorts and bathing suits year round.

Ask us why we wear Uggs and flip flops everywhere. I don’t know.

Ask us if we are ready for the “big one”.  If you need to know, go on facebook. Every time there is a tremor everyone reports it – as in “Did anyone else feel that?”

Fly Safe,

JAZ

How to Avoid The Paparazzi Or How To See Celebrities In Los Angeles

How To Avoid the Paparazzi   or How To See Celebrities In Los Angeles

“Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else.”  ~Will Rogers

Since many  of you who read this blog don’t live in Los Angeles, you may be planning a trip.   Most people in LA do not use their feet as a method of transportation. We  jog or walk our dogs.  Streets are never crowded. Paparazzi in LA are very noticeable. They don’t blend in like they do on the crowded streets of New York or Rome.

It is one thing for paparazzi  to stand outside a trendy restaurant  or club. We anticipate that. We expect to see them on Robertson Blvd looking for Kim or Paris ( Do we still care about Paris?). On a Saturday afternoon, we know that they will be outside Barneys, the Beverly Wilshire Hotel and Rodeo Drive.    But it is another thing to encounter them all day long.  So I thought I would tell you how to avoid the paparazzi  or places to see celebrities in LA,  which ever you prefer.

1. I was  eating my lunch ( tuna salad and green juice – it is LA after all) in a beauty salon.   The door was open. I looked out and saw three paparazzi aiming their cameras at the open front door.  I was about to be the background shot for whoever walked out that door. I was going to be unknown woman with a mouthful of tuna. Luckily it was my turn. (Anastasia, BH)

2.Lately,  they hang  out  at the parks.  You can see them hiding behind trees like pedophiles with cameras.  They need to get that photo of a child on a swing who happens to  have a famous parent. My dog peed on their camera  cases.  To distract them, I said “Doesn’t that look like  JLo and the kids?.” They ran.  (Santa Monica Park)

3.There is always the market.    Am I the only person who doesn’t care that Jennifer Garner’s daughter can push the shopping cart? Is there something I am missing?  Is she a grocery cart pushing prodigy?  Is it really necessary for me to be woman who ran into the market to get ice cream because she was depressed, in the background of this shot?  (Vicente Foods, Brentwood)

4. The traffic is stalled on Ventura Blvd.  I am in the right lane.  I edge up and notice that  at least eight cars in front of me have no one in them. As I slowly maneuver into the left lane, I see all the paparazzi at the newsstand –  It must be for the Stars Are Like Us section – yes, some stars still buy  their own magazines. It probably isn’t  someone as famous as Beyonce or anyone who thinks they are like Bravo’s Real Housewives. It might be someone who grew up in the valley and knows this newsstand – like the Kardashians or the Jacksons. Unlike us, they don’t have to explain why they are late for work because the paparazzi stalled traffic. (Newsstand on Van Nuys and Ventura, Sherman Oaks)

5. Paparazzi Heaven is Malibu – so many celebrities in such a small area. .  Malibu shopping center  used to be charming. It felt like a small town.  It has been redone with  many expensive stores and trendy restaurants.  I was having breakfast with a friend  at an outside table when she said ,”Turn around”. I did and faced the camera lenses of twenty paparazzi, aimed for the door  right behind our table.  “How can you eat like this?,” I asked.   She replied, “No problem, I used to be a model.“  (Malibu Kitchen, Malibu)

6. There were two homeless people sleeping on Carbon Beach. .  This is a  stretch of beach with multimillion dollar beach houses.  I had never seen that before. When I got closer, I could see the cameras under the layers of clothing. Really guys? Did you think they wouldn’t notice? You are the only  people sleeping on an empty beach in winter clothes.   (Carbon Beach, Malibu)

7. I had a  bad cold and ran out to the pharmacy wearing pajama bottoms and a sweatshirt.  The paparazzi is standing at the front door. “Don’t shoot,“ I yell as I run through  the door. I do not want to be mystery woman in pajamas behind reality TV star in sweats running to the pharmacy. (Longs Drugs, now a CVS – and you can tell the difference, Brentwood.)

8. The woman who walks my dog when I can’t  get home during the day,  told me that my dog has a girlfriend.  It is the dyed pink poodle of a famous celebrity and she cannot tell me who it is. She said that my dog  ended up in paparazzi shots the other day. If you want to see a celebrity that owns a dyed pink poodle, follow them home from Barrington Dog Park in Brentwood. They go on Wednesdays.

9. The famous ex-governor/ movie star/ cheater and father of housekeeper’s child lives in a gated community on my street. I live in a canyon. It is a small road that you can’t park a car on.  During all the commotion , you would drive down the quiet  road to a circus of paparazzi and tv vans everywhere. I’m glad no one cares about him anymore.

10. One day, I walked out of a frozen yogurt store and there were thirty paparazzi  across the street. Their cameras were aimed at the entrance to the spray tanning store next door. It’s true. Your favorite celebrity has a fake tan. A bus load of Japanese tourists pulled up. They all jumped  out and stood next to the paparazzi with their cameras poised ready to have their LA paparazzi moment . Now that was funny. (Portofino, BH)

Im sure  the LA people have  more stories.

Say cheese and fly safe,

JAZ